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As the media frenzy around the unfortunate suicide of Sushant Singh Rajput intensifies, all of us are minutely clued in to every tid-bit of information that is being shared on various social networking sites. Mental health issues have taken the front seat and there are endless discussions and talks about it.
Although an inevitability of life, Death, as a topic is never an easy conversation. It is a painful reality that we shy away from and the truth is that it is not easy to deal with. Life can end in a multitude of ways – it may be sudden, expected, accidental or prolonged. The experience of immense grief, finding ways to express what has happened and finally to accept it, is a process that runs its own course.
As adults it overwhelms us. And when you are dealing with your pain and sorrow, it is harder to talk to your child as instinctively you always want to shield them from this pain.
For children the comprehension of this concept is difficult to understand and based on age, harder to move through it. Today, though, we are going to address how to discuss the topic of death with young children.
My 5 - year old daughter asked me about death
Let me lighten up by sharing a small personal story. My daughter, at age 5, encountered the idea of death for the first time. Her class teacher’s mother had passed away after battling a long illness and the children were told about it. So she came home and asked me if one day I would also leave her and go to God’s house.
I was a little taken aback by her question but, nonetheless, decided to be honest with her and gently told her yes. She, then, went through the entire list of our family that she was close to – her father, her maternal grandparents, paternal grandparents, maternal uncle and aunt and her older cousin sister, each time asking me the same question – Will he/she also go to God’s house ? After satisfying her curiosity she didn’t say anything more and went about her uncomplicated life.
A week passed and I thought she had forgotten all about it. Well, no such luck. She came back to me on the 8th day and made me sit down with her. In all seriousness and with a solemn face, she told me that she had thought about our conversation and she had a solution. She told me it was alright for all of us to go to God’s house and that after a few days she would come and pick us up and bring us all back from there.
I held on to my laughter with great difficulty. But I learnt an important lesson that day. Children do not comprehend the inevitability of death. Unfortunately, my daughter learnt about it just two years later when she lost her paternal grandmother. Of course, since then we have had several conversations about it and, as she has grown our talks have subsequently matured.
Here are a few tips to help you to speak about death with your child:
Don't duck questions
Even if he hasn't yet lost a loved one, your toddler may be curious about death - by seeing a scene in a movie or a cartoon... In fact, times when your child is less emotionally involved, are good opportunities for laying groundwork about this eventuality. You can share stories about death of a grand parent or a pet.
Stick to the truth
As they say, the truth will set you free. It is a very true adage. The truth gives an explanation to your tears and pain. Showing your grief and emotions to your child will help him to learn how to mourn.
Share information in small parts
Give the minimum basic information but after that let children guide the conversation. You will know what information to share based on the questions they ask. In that way you only give information that they can handle.
Use right words
Use the words ‘dead’ or ‘died'. This is being realistic. Do not sugarcoat it. Don't say he is "happy in heaven", "he is sleeping" or that "God called him because he needed him" - this could confuse the child, not comfort her. Real words help with the grieving process.
Allow your child to grieve in his own way
Everyone processes pain and heartache in a different way, including children. For some, going back to routine helps, some find solace in isolation, some process it by talking about it while still others fall back on spiritual reading.
There is no right way to process grief. Children may seem unaffected by the loss but allow them that leeway. Some children might want to constantly talk about it. It’s ok and be prepared to answer their questions. Filter the information that you give them that is age appropriate.
Showing grief
Please do not hide your tears or pain from your children. Allow them to see your tears. Tears are cathartic and healing. Infact, they might also cry with you.
Celebrate the life lost
My daughter taught us how to do this on her grandmother’s first death anniversary. We were feeling heartsick and suddenly she bounced up to us and demanded that we all go for ice-cream. In a way, that only a 8 year old innocent child can, she pointed out that her grandmother loved eating ice-creams and we should all celebrate her love for it.
Show your child your love for the deceased. Celebrate the life that was, and relive the happy memories.
Finally, however you broach the topic, be prepared that there will be a variety of emotional responses. Silence, sadness or even anger. Accept these as normal. Allow them time to process information and let them work through their own emotions. They look up to you as their guide during this roller-coaster ride. Keep your voice calm and steady and let them know that you are ready to answer any questions that they have.
During this very trying time, we are inundated with information and it is impossible to shelter children from all of it. Instead, let us open up our lines of communication with them so that they get the correct information from the right source.
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